Heaven Must Be Beautiful
by KrystalKayne
Summary: It takes just one moment to shatter ones entire life, but then it also takes one moment to make it all that much better. But what happens when the positive things don't help you forget what you need to move on from?


Sometimes, I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Am I supposed to be angry, or upset? Do I really need to show any form of true emotion? No one can tell if I'm faking 99% of the time, I could feel dead on the inside but still have the brightest smile on the out. Things had changed drastically in the past few months, events had made bee feel empty and hollow. As if I was merely the shell of the woman I once had been; and I highly doubted I'd ever become again. What was worse was when people would ask if I was okay, if I needed anything or just wanted someone to sit with me and keep me company for a while. I would always ignore them, or yell something along the lines of "I don't need your damn pity!" before storming off somewhere, preferably alone.

I still couldn't wrap my head around what had happened. Even thought I had all the time in the world to sit and think and dwell on it all, I still could never figure out why. Why did all this happen to me? What did I do so wrong to deserve all this pain and this suffering. I'd been through so much and had nothing to show for anything. I think that was one of the reasons I'd started to isolate myself a lot these days. Not that people paid any attention, or was it just me who didn't? Days continued to go by and with each passing day another piece of me would die on the inside, another piece of me would lose any sense of hope and there was nothing I could really do about it. I understood everything happens for a reason, but what was the reason for taking him away from me? The man that I'd loved for years, that man I'd married gone, just like that. He'd only been trying to protect me and it cost him his life; and because of it, I couldn't bear to look at my reflection in the mirror because every time I did, I'd remember his agonising cries, his helpless pleas. I'd remember everything. If I could turn back time; I could've stopped him. Stopped him from getting involved. Stopped him from getting shot.

A singular tear began to trickle down my cheek as I thought about it, grabbing a hold of the necklace wrapped around my neck with my free hand. I could see the whole thing playing out in my mind, and I couldn't bare it, but I couldn't stop it either. I seemed to have no control. It was as if I was back there again.

All we'd been doing that day was travelling around New York as if we were tourists despite my being NY born n' bred. Everything had been perfect until Adam dragged me into a jewellery store, which I then knew he would not let me leave without picking out at least one item. He always spoiled me. It was a little quirk. Out of nowhere he'd surprise me with little gifts, something I'd failed to do in return and now regretted not doing. I'd been browsing the cabinet full of necklaces, one with a Phoenix diamond-studded pendant hanging off of a silver chain catching my eye. I'd asked to try it on, and before Adam had even had the chance to fasten the clasp, things started to go downhill. A group of men had burst through the door causing the chain to fall from his grip and slip into my shirt, both of us spinning around to find 4 armed gunmen suited in black with balaclavas to match.

I instantly grabbed a hold of Adam's shirt with my fists clenched; fear washing across my pale features. I'd seen a lot of these things on TV and not just in the shows but on the news and documentaries and all that – they never ended well. I kept my head down and followed all their instructions. I got down on the floor with my hands behind my head, just like everyone else. I really had no choice, did I? I didn't exactly feel like getting shot today, or any other day for that matter. I keep quiet and remained close to Adam's body to make sure we were never apart but that soon changed as one of the offenders grabbed me by the hair and pulled me to my feet and Adam being the protective boyfriend that he was, instantly jumped to my defence; struggling with the offender briefly before the sound of two gunshots rung through the air. I froze instantly after I'd been thrown to the ground. I was almost too scared to move. Where had those shots finished? I couldn't feel anything that resembled pain; I just felt numb.

Had those shots hit me and I hadn't realized? My body began to shake out of fear as I shifted slightly, quickly looking over my body – there was no blood, so I had to be okay.. I looked over at Adam to see him lying on the ground, two circles of blood on the back of his shirt that were slowly growing in size. I let out a blood curdling scream before scrambling over to his body. I could hear him groaning under his breath, he was in so much pain, I could tell by the look in his eyes.

I'd cupped his face with my hand as I rested beside him, incoherently telling him not to leave, and that he had to hold on, he had no choice too. I tried to zone out to everything else that was happening but the gunshots that ended the heist startled me, leading to another loud scream. Could you blame me? Once I'd been sure the people were gone I dialled 911, I was sure that Adam wasn't the only casualty so asked for several ambulances and the police. Everything after that was almost a blur from the moment that we left the store in the back of an ambulance to the time we got to the hospital. The medics seemed to be struggling to help Adam and my interference probably wasn't exactly helping matters. After arriving at the hospital time just seemed to go so slowly, and drag on. I'd look at the clock and then a few moments later look again feeling as if hours had passed since I'd looked the first time. I was driving myself insane with worry and rightfully so. I was possibly going to lose the love of my life in this very building. I'd been told the chances of him surviving were incredibly slim, but I hoped and prayed he survived.

I needed him too.

I know that sounds selfish but I had my reasons. Yes, he'd been battling for his life, but he needed to hang on, he needed to still be here to see it all.

Because as I sat here reminiscing, almost a year to the day that I'd lost him, I held our 4 month old daughter, Josie Annabelle Copeland.

He'd never know I was pregnant. I was waiting for our anniversary which was merely a few days after he got shot. It was going to be a big surprise and everything. I'd had it all planned out to the finest detail.

I started to get teary eyed. I always did when I thought about it. He was never going to know his own daughter. So many people had offered to help me out since they found out, especially Jay. I turned everyone else away and snapped at nearly everybody, even my best friend. But Jay, he'd been like a brother to Adam and was really the only person I felt I could trust anymore. That fateful day had broken and destroyed all faith and trust I had in humanity. How someone could be so cruel to shoot several people without remorse. It bewildered me. But Jay always found a way to make me forget about it for a while, just by talking to me and helping me. He's the only one I had really let in and talked to since it'd happened. I haven't even spoken to my own brother and we'd been incredibly close ever since we were little.

I glanced down at our daughter, a small smile managing to crease the corner of my lips as she kicked her legs and waved her arms, staring up at me with those gorgeous blue eyes, just like her father had. I could already tell she was going to be so much like her father and it hurt me to know he wouldn't be able to see it all, she her grow up and make her mark on the world however she chose how; whether she decided to follow in our footsteps and reign supreme in the squared circle or discover life saving cures. He wouldn't have cared, he would've been proud of her either way – I just knew it.

I just hope that I can do her as proud as I am of her, even though she's not even a year old.

She's my everything, and the only thing I live for now and it's a shame I couldn't do this all with Adam.

I still think about him every day, sometimes even find myself talking as if he were still there. I hated how much I seemed to focus on the past and what had happened. I had so much to live for now. I had a daughter to take care but even that didn't seem to sway my mind away from Adam. I had loved him so deeply I don't think I could ever love again.

Ever.


End file.
